Your Most Embarrassing Sex Stories

Can I just say how happy I am that the taboo nature of talking about sex and sexiness and horniness and all the things is slowly but surely going away? Personally, I’ve been making uncomfortable confessions and statements about my sex life for YEARS. ON THE INTERNET. But I was one of the very few who did. I was raised in a household where sex was explained and openly discussed from a very young age, and I’m eternally grateful to my parents for that. Of course, there were and have always been boundaries in just how detailed we get about it. But the safety blanket was laid multiple decades ago to come to them with questions or comments. Example: Around age 12, my mom sent me to my dad to ask him this burning question she couldn’t answer (or wanted to): “Do boys get boners every time they take a shower?” My dad was beyond confused and slightly horrified, but gave me a loud laugh, a firm “No,” and that was that. No shame. No embarrassment.

A few weeks ago, I saw an influencer I really love (Stephanie Yeboah) ask her following for their so-bad-it’s-funny sex stories and was so entertained by their answers, I decided I had to ask the same of you guys. And boy did y’all DELIVER. In fact, you overdelivered so this is just part 1 of your embarrassing sex stories with more to cum!

EMMASTHING exists for this shit, guys. For y’all to share your hilariously horrible stories for the rest of us to lament with and commiserate on, and this is just another very sexy example of just that.

Before I share these incredible embarrassing sex stories, I feel it’s only right I share one of mine. I wouldn’t be a responsible or relatable host if I didn’t; I’ll keep it brief. The year: 2008. The location: Lawrence, Kansas at my VERY new boyfriend’s frat. The situation: He was only my second, so I was quite inexperienced with a lot to learn. Afterwards, like POST coitus, my body suddenly made a noise I had never heard it make before. You know, like a fart but from the other hole. And it wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t so much as take a breath without it going off. We were in his loft bed, so I had to climb down the ladder to get to the floor and with every rung, pfft. Step, pfft. Step, pfft. Once my feet hit the floor, IT KEPT GOING. I just stood there, paralyzed, pfft-ing in place. Out of respect and embarrassment, my boyfriend pretended not to hear or notice, until I yelled at him completely panicked “HELP! WHAT DO I DO! IT WON’T STOP!”

We ended up dating for three years even with the rocky fart. I mean start. Now, it’s time for part one of YOUR most embarrassing sex stories. Get ready to cringe (and honestly maybe throw up a little).

HIGH SCHOOL/COLLEGE

Pulled out my tampon and tossed it across the floor pre-sex in a frat.
Fell asleep mid-drunk sex, forget we used a condom, fell out two days later when I peed.
I hooked up with an ex one time in college. After he finished, he started WEEPING on my shoulder. He looked up at me and said, “You made me break my vows!” Turns out after we broke up, he enrolled in Bible College and chastity was required.
He sang “I’m On A Boat” the entire time. The whole song, the whole time.
We had sex as teenagers in his parents car while I was on my period. A week later, his parents found a tampon in the center console.
My 9th grade boyfriend burped beef in my mouth while we were making out. Still makes me gag.
Three best friends each with a boyfriend in one tiny dorm room. High fives were exchanged. Ah, to be 18 and horny!

FIRSTS AND LASTS

First time hooking up, and the guy pulled away and said “My throat is dry.” He went to the kitchen, got a cup of water, chugged it then choked on it, and coughed water all over me. Suffice it to say, that was our first and last time.
First hookup and woke up from a rigorous night only to find my Nuvaring stuck to his back.
ONS. I hit my face on the bed frame, then proceeded to get my period while at his place and got blood on his white towels.
It was both of our first times and we had planned out a fancy dinner knowing what was gonna happen later. I kept having to stop and leave the room to fart the worst-smelling farts ever.
First date at his apartment. We had pizza and watched Super 8. We were making out in his bed, and I felt the bed shaking. I looked down and he was jacking himself off. I moved to the end of the bed and let him finish, then went home. The next week at work, I come out of the restroom and see him getting a tour of the building! He saw me and moonwalked back into the restroom.
First night with a new guy and food poisoning hit him mid-sex. He spent the rest of the night throwing up.
Had a one night stand and didn’t realize my dog had peed on the bed until the guy went home.
My ONS screamed in his sleep so I snuck out and took a cab home.
The dude hummed the Star Wars theme song as he fucked me for the first time.
ONS hit me in the face with his dick and bit me, then drove me home at 4:45 in the morning so I could fly across the country to attend my grandma’s funeral. I had a bite mark.

SOUND AND VISION

I had someone try to be sexy and run and jump on me in bed, only to burp then barf ON me.
I farted in my boyfriend’s face while he was going down on me. Like a FART, not a cute poot.
The first time I ever swallowed, I literally threw up in my mouth so had to swallow that, too.
After a breakup, I was taking this weird ass tea to lose weight. Of course, the ex booty-called me and I ended up shitting on him during sex. I ended up pretending it was my period. He never knew, but I always will.
Audibly farted when the guy I was dating spread my cheeks apart. I told him it was a queef and he bought it.
Skid mark. That’s it. That’s the story.

OUCHIES

My roommate once broke her boyfriend’s dick. Full on fracture.
I got a surprise finger in my butt, causing me to immediately slam my head into the headboard and get a concussion.
I was bent over and moved ever so slightly mid-thrust, which caused him to miss on the next one and he full on broke his penis.
My now boyfriend has slapped my ass so hard that he accidentally has slapped his own balls and given my ass blood blisters.
We were camping and eating Hot Cheetos. Later, he fingered me and OW.
I got wrong-holed and my instant bodily reaction was to throw up.

CHOKing ON THE D

Drunk AF Freshman year of college and threw up while giving head.
My BF literally came directly up my nose and I thought I was gonna die.
Choked on the D and threw up. We’re now married!
I was giving him head on my back patio, puked, swallowed, and kept going (EMMA SAYS: A SOLDIER).
Once gave a BJ in an AirBnB yurt and threw up because his dick was so big. *curtsies away* (EMMA SAYS: YOU’RE A FUCKING LADY)
He farted on his final thrust and, when we came upstairs from the basement, his dad said “I’ve never heard those noises in the movies before.”

JUST, WTF?

Hooking up doggy style and he keeps pausing, so I turn around to look and realize he’s drinking Kombucha mid-sex.
Used Bath and Body Works Cucumber Mint lotion to give my HS boyfriend a handy and, well, it burned him. Badly.
My ex begged me to shit in a diaper for him so he could play with it. I still cringe writing that. (EMMA SAYS: I CALL BULLSHIT).
My boyfriend (now husband) accidentally sent a screenshot of my boobs to my dad.
We tried to have some fun with whipped cream, but his body heat melted it and gave it the weirdest consistency. It tasted like sweat and I haven’t been able to eat whipped cream since.
Had sex in an alley behind a bar and was caught by an employee taking out the trash.
He wanted me to get him off with my feet. I realized success.
He was so small, I legit didn’t know if he was in me so I asked after about 5 minutes and he said “Yes.” I said, “Oh.”
I have PTPD—Post Traumatic Penis Disorder. It was LITERALLY a skinny pencil a dick. IT WAS A PENCIL. Like tampons are thicker and I’m throwing up as I write this.
The guy giggled compulsively every time he came. He called himself a “giggler,” like it was normal. (EMMA SAYS: WE NEED TO TALK. WE MAY HAVE SLEPT WITH THE SAME GUY).
I wear glasses but not during sex. While hooking up one time, the guy reached across me to the my nightstand, put my glasses on, and mid-thrust said “Is this like having sex with yourself?”
Smallest dick ever and even said “I like that your hands make my dick look bigger.”
His roommate walked in on us having sex and just STOOD THERE WATCHING until we literally yelled “GET OUT!”
Fell asleep while he was eating me out (EMMA SAYS: THIS FEELS IMPORTANT AND EMPOWERING).
The dentist found a pube between my teeth the day after giving head.
Big gorgeous hunk with the smallest peen. He kept asking “Do you feel that?” Bye.
During sex, the guy starts panicking about how he had to “make” his ex-girlfriend get an abortion WHILE HE WAS STILL INSIDE OF ME.
Our toddler walked into the room mid-thrust.
He came. He cried. I died.

That’s where we’ll draw the line for today. There are SO MANY MORE, so stay tuned for the next installment and feel free to email me your most embarrassing sex story if you care to share!