Your Most Embarrassing Sex Stories (Part II)
Sex is the great equalizer next to carbs, puppies, and a hot shower. In asking for my readers’ most horrific sexual encounters, I’m doing my part to make talking/laughing about it normal because IT SHOULD BE. It’s just sex! We all do it and chances are we have a story up our crotch that’s worth sharing and lamenting over.
Last month, I rolled out the first batch of your most embarrassing sex stories. Today, I’m sharing part two and eventually, I’ll create a part three. I received over 270 stories in response to this query, and that’s a lot of penis and vagina to sort through so I thank you for being patient as I take my time saying WHAT THE FUCK? NO! out loud to myself as I read these stories y’all have so kindly shared with me.
So, here we go. Your most embarrassing sex stories part two, on EMMASTHING.
HIGH SCHOOL/COLLEGE
Condom came off in me and he didn’t tell me. I realized it next day at the library.
Known in college for sucking dick in the bathroom at Mellow Mushroom on karaoke night. (EMMA SAYS: LIKE ONCE? OR THIS WAS YOUR SCHTICK?)
We ditched school at lunch time and went to his house to have sex for the first time. He could not get his penis inside me. Literally, it wouldn’t go in. We tried everything. Finally, we called it quits and went back to school. To this day, I don’t know how he wasn’t able to get the penis inside. (EMMA SAYS: THIS WAS LITERALLY MY FIRST TIME, TOO. WE TRIED FOR HOURS).
A guy I slept with in college left a skid mark on my white sheets.
I Superbad’d a guy in college, i.e. perioded all over his leg while dry humping.
Freshman year of college, my boyfriend thought a BJ involved actual “blowing air.”
FIRSTS AND LASTS
First hand job I ever gave, the guy came in his eye.
Post bar hookup. No sheets on the bed or fucking toilet paper in the bathroom. He was an ADULT LAWYER.
First time after starting Nuvaring and it was a one night stand. This literal stranger REMOVED THE NUVARING, HELD IT UP TO MY FACE, AND GOES “Hey, found this. What is it?”
Unexpected hookup, shared bathroom, used some guy’s razor on my vag.
First time a guy put a finger in my butt, I reciprocated and he said “Oh no! I don’t like that.”
One night stand had no toilet paper and I had diarrhea and I left my lashes in his bathroom in a panic.
Woke up after a one night stand and the bed was wet. Still don’t know who did it…
Random hookup. He had just had cosmetic dick surgery. Two pumps in and he SCREAMED in pain.
Thought my period was over and hooked up with a random guy on the deck of a cruise ship. His white pants were ruined.
NOPE. NO.
Guy abruptly stopped going down on me because he got a little piece of toilet paper in his mouth. CUTE. (EMMA SAYS: I AM LITERALLY DYING FOR YOU.)
Accidentally called the police with my Apple Watch during sex (EMMA SAYS: I HAVE STOPPED WEARING MY WATCH DURING SEX SINCE READING THIS)
After sex, had to do the walk of shame through a marathon and the runners cheered for me.
He came on my UGG boots and I was devastated. It was 2007.
Took a guy home while blackout level, peed the bed, and found out the next day he had a girlfriend who then confronted me out in public and tried to start a fight.
I accidentally pooped on the guy. So embarrassing, I started crying immediately.
Something smelled off. It was me. I was having sex with a VERY OLD tampon still inside me.
Englishman who would attempt oral sex for exactly 13 seconds, then politely ask “Nearly there?” (EMMA SAYS: I CANNOT STOP SAYING THIS OUT LOUD)
A guy had an asthma attacked just as he was finishing and had to scramble off me (EMMA SAYS: OMG SAME BUT HE GOT A SEARING MIGRAINE MID-SEX AND STARTING SCREAMING IN PAIN WHILE STILL INSIDE ME)
He tried to pick me up and instantly farted because it took a lot of ~effort~ to hold me.
The condom got lost inside of me, and I had to just lay there while he went fishing.
OUCHIES
My partner fingered me once after having hot wings for dinner. (EMMA SAYS: THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME TWICE.)
He came and it somehow ended up shooting directly into my nostril.
Legit ruptured an ovary during sex and ended up in the ER for two days. I was on top and traumatized for a while. I’m good now but with one less ovary.
He hit my IUD in the perfectly wrong spot and blood was EVERYWHERE.
My face was accidentally slammed into the headboard and I broke my nose.
JUST, WTF?
My Nuvaring fell out mid sex and he goes, “I’ve got a present around my dick.”
A guy literally fell asleep while on top of me mid-stroke and I couldn’t get him off of me.
Lost a condom in me while having sex. He asked if I tried to pee it out. WRONG HOLE, DUDE.
Told him I thought his name was Matt while he was inside me. It was not.
Go time and he asks “Am I small? An ex told me I’m small so I don’t show people my penis.” (EMMA SAYS: LOL WTF).
Drunkenly hooked up with a best guy friend’s older brother and learned he was very into pegging and butt stuff.
He booped my nose when I looked up during a BJ. Like he poked my nose and literally said “boop!”
Old boyfriend thought he was in the bathroom after sex and peed on the bed and me, full stream.
I had a guy remove his mouth from my tit mid-foreplay and say, “I’d like to go home now.”
Guy blamed his inability to get an erection on the “excessive wind” from the ceiling fan.
I’m spent. I’m tired. I have a headache. I’m not in the mood. Just… don’t touch me.
Stay tuned for part three, and please send your own embarrassing sex stories to me for a chance to be featured!
